So it’s February. There are pink roses and candy as far as the eye can see and even though Valentine’s Day is just one day, the love in the air seems to last all month. I was originally going to do this month’s blog on something romance related, but I recently went to an event where they had an amazing guest speaker, so I decided to put a little spin on the love theme in order to pass on this information.
As we all know, there are many different types of love: romantic, platonic, love for family and of course, tough love! Often when helping the senior loved ones in your life you will have to deal with unpleasant topics related to their future and how they would like things handled in the event of an emergency, decline in physical or mental health and their eventual passing. Of course nobody wants to contemplate their own mortality, especially at a stage in life where there is the very real possibility that one of these issues will come up sooner rather than later.
These can all be very sensitive topics to bring up, but it is also crucial to know your loved one’s wishes and have a plan in place when something happens. This is where the tough love comes in. There is no getting around it; these topics need to be discussed one way or another, to put everybody in the best position possible when something happens. Earlier this month I met and heard a presentation given by Brenda Shorkend. She is a Geriatric Care Manager and owns her own company, Shorkend Care Management. This is what she does for a living. She is able to have these conversations with seniors and help their families get the answers they need and make a plan. During her presentation she gave some excellent tips and insight on how to start “that conversation” and keep it positive and productive, which I will pass on to you!
The Basics
· Choose the right time & place (i.e.: not a large family gathering)
· Choose the right people (who will they respond well too?)
· Keep it short (you don’t want them to feel overwhelmed and shut down)
· Listen with respect
· Validate feelings & try to put yourself in their shoes
· Go at their pace (give them time to process/react)
· Don’t expect to figure everything out in one conversation
It is important to keep the lines of communication open. If you are met with denial or resistance ask him/her to think things over and try again later. If this continues you may want to ask another friend or family member to give it a shot. Still not getting anywhere? A trusted professional may be able to get through (i.e.: doctor, minister, accountant or care manager).
Brenda also advises that real life examples often work best as “ice breakers”. You can start with something like “Remember when Aunt Mary ______? What would you do if that ever happened?” Or “How would we handle a situation like that?” The news is also full of real life examples. Ask your loved one for their advice. Get them involved. Ask them to research something for you. If your example was Aunt Mary falling and breaking a hip, have him/her look into fall prevention to see what could be done to help them avoid the same thing.
In the meantime, there is plenty of information you should be gathering. Brenda calls it a Peace of Mind Checklist:
Basic Information: Emergency Contact Information:
-Name & Address -Family Members
-Phone Number -Friends
-Social Security Number -Neighbors
-Driver’s License (number or copy) -Services (gardener, plumber, etc.)
-Car Model & License Plate -Services (home care, senior services)
-Allergies & Blood Type -Physicians
-Current Medications -Clergy
Crucial Contact Information: Documents:
-Trustees -Will
-Designated Person on Healthcare Directive -Advanced Healthcare Directive
-Designated Person on Power of Attourney (POA) -POLST (DNR) if applicable
-POA or 2nd Signature on Bank Accounts -Durable POA for Finances
-Attorney -Medical & Medication History
-CPA -Insurance: life, car, homeowners
-Financial Planner -Insurance: medical and long term
-Financial Records
-Burial Plans
Passwords: Spare Keys:
-Voicemail access number & code -House, garage & mailbox
-Login: computer, email, online banking -Safe, safe deposit box, storage
Once everything is gathered, this information should then be given to several trusted people in the event of an emergency and kept in a safe place. Seeing as how anything can happen at any time, this is also something you can do with your loved one and get your own information together!
